Distance never gets easier

I will now rise from the ashes. Don’t call me pretentious.

Fuck it all. Don’t even care anymore

One day. I’ll be gone and people will be happy. Until then I’m here

One day, after being made a fool one too many times. I’ll just stop caring and trying so hard

And it’s been a while since I could hold my head up high. And it’s been a while, since I first saw you. And it’s been a while since I can stand on my own two feet again.

Somedays, I’d much rather be dead than alive. I ask whoever makes the choices as to who lives and who dies why my life was not taken that day during that fight. I ask why bad things constantly happen to me. Do I deserve it? Am I supposed to see something and learn from it? are you just enjoying fucking with me and seeing my misery out of it? Did I do something in a previous life to deserve being in purgatory and not getting my happiness and everything I work SO goddamn hard for? Then, my last thought arises. Maybe this is a game and I’m just the fucking loser.

Regardless as to why these things happen to me. I still ask for strength, hope, and guidance. And I ask whoever is up there to look after my love. And I pray that nothing bad happens and no mistakes are made. Constantly beating myself up, forcing myself to go in a blackout in hopes I kill myself. This is all my fault. It has been since day one. Your pain, struggle, tears, depression, anger, anxiety. It’s all because of me. I’m a fucking demon walking the face of this earth to bring pain upon the ones around me. You love me, I know you do. I’m not sure why, or how. You shouldn’t. You should run while you still can. Throw this broken toy away and find a new one. I’m no good anymore, useless, disposable, forgotten.

I keep my hopes up. Looking for optimism in everything I see or do. Waiting for the day when life will be perfect once again. It hasn’t been perfect, or even decent In a while. I guess that’s too much to ask right now. Words, thoughts, tears, anger, it’s all emotion that some hide well, and others hide poorly. My front, my wall, me. It’s all crashing to the ground. And yet again. I’m exposed to the pain and agony this world sets forth. I’m vulnerable, with no one stronger to help protect me and see me through with full support.

A wise person told me. “life sucks then you die” so far. It’s been a correct statement. Yet I keep on trucking, continue loving you, smile when I have every reason to let my tears flow like a river, and laugh when I’m unhappy.

I’m here. This is my life, this is madness. I will conquer this world alone, or supported. I will die an accomplished, well known man. You can count on that.

I’d be honored to receive orders to Uganda to stop kony. It’d be a blessing

This quilt we are making together may have frayed ends, loose knots, and broken stitches, but it’s ours none the less.